A teacher compiled this list of comments from test papers, essays etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It's truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades". * H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. * To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. * Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. * Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. * Blood flows down one leg and up the other. * Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. * The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader. * Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. * Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. * Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas. * The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects. * The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. * A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. * The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. * A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. * Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. * Germinate: To become a naturalized German. * Liter: a nest of young puppies. * Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat. * Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away. * Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. * Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. * Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. * Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. * To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. * For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. * For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. * For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. * To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow. Actual Written Excuses Given by Parents of Students to Teachers - Submitted by Martin L. Rosol ============================================================== Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent Jaan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33 Please excuse Dianne from being absent yessterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. My daughter was absemt yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Joyce. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse sara for bening absent. She wqs sick and I had her shot. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*)diaahoah (*crossed out*) dyah (*crossed out*) the shits. A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the questions of life, universe, and his own personal problem. The man could not find any answers so he sought help from God. "God!? God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted. God responded, "What is it my son?" "I have a few questions, mind if I ask?" "Go right ahead, my son..anything.", God said "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "a million years to me is only a second". "Hmmm", he wondered. Then he asked again, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "a million dollars to me is only worth a penny." The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....in a second".