SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT A KID ANYMORE

 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 Your back goes out more than you do.
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 You are proud of your lawn mower.
 Your best friend is dating someone half his age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 You sing along with the elevator music.
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
 You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
 You make an appointment to see the dentist.
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 Neighbors borrow your tools.
 People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
 You have a dream about prunes.
 You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
 You send money to PBS.
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.  
 You take a metal detector to the beach.
 You wear black socks with sandals.
 You know what the word "equity" means.
 You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
 Your ears are hairier than your head.
 You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
 You got cable for the weather channel.  
 You can go bowling without drinking.
 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.




A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer and the
following exchange takes place.... 

The man says "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
                    [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." 

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
                     [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing our seat
belt." 

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your cotton pickin' mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?" 

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."




                            WHAT's IT COST 
                          ===================
  
   On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
   pointing out some of the rules:
  
   "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students,
   and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
   breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
  
   He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
   time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you
   a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"
  
   At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
  
   "How much for a season pass?"

  
                             ********  
                         What The Colors Mean
           
  
   Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
   to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
  
   "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
   the happiest day of her life."
  
   The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
   "So why is the groom wearing black?"

                             THE ZOO
                              - Submitted by A. Laalor
                       ---------------------------------

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn 
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to 
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular 
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that 
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress 
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

 So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the 
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can 
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger 
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire 
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that 
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to 
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the 
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to 
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd 
loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise 
for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the 
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day 
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime 
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime 
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the 
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds 
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"




                  LOVE, LUST  AND MARRIAGE
                -----------------------------
This is not meant to be an affront against marriage. If you're married
and some of this hits home, than it's a perfect time to spice up
your life on Valentines Day

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn care less
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

------------------------------------------

                    THE BEGINNING OF THE SALVATION ARMY
                        - Submitted bu G. Flite
                    ------------------------------------

On this, like all other holiday seasons, we see the salvation army 
outside on street corners doing wonderful thigs by collecting both 
funds and used clothing and furniture to help those less fortunate. 
Here is one version of how it all began.

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to 
find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.  

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped 
her with these words:  "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this 
all came about.

Driving home,  I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered  
her a ride.  She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the 
roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her  shoes  were  wornout 
so  I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out 
of style.  She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you 
never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. 
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't 
fit into anymore.

"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is  
there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'

"So, here we are!"

-----------------------------------

 Some incredibly interesting facts to get you through the week:
 --------------------------------------------------------------



 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
 air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the
 air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse
 has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and
 purple.

 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
 killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get
 fired."

 Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

 There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

 Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
 Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
 last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

 "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South
 Pacific.  When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
 machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the
 fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the
 whole 9 yards."

 The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

 The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

 The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

 The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

 Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

 Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden.
 The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic
 stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent
 accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too
 sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

 The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
 killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

 Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

 In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

 Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

 More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

 The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from
 Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye
 gouging."  Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified
 was to poke someone's eye out.

 A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

 The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

 Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
 looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

 Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

 The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law
 which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
 wider than your thumb.

 An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds


              WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT
                   - Submitted by Jane Smith
              -------------------------------
A personal guide to what men should say when caught
looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

-  I can't believe that outfit she is wearing.  (Said disdainfully)

-  Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

-  I think that's a man dressed as a woman.   (Incredulous)

-  Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen?
   (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you,
   but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film,
    and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

-  I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually
   joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out
   to be a real nut cass

-  Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

-  I was staring off into space because I was about to have an
   epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my
   love for you, but its gone now, thank you very much!

-  Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you.
   Boy am I glad I ever got away from her.  What a moron.

-  I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a
   beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery
   cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so
   sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick.
   (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will
   camouflage your drool).

-  I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can
   never hold a candle to you
   (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

-  Do you think she's prettier than me?
   (Give her a taste of her own medicine)