BARBIE                  
                          - Submitted by Karo
                      -----------------------------  
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's
his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"  She continues,
"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach  for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie  for
$265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are  only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady says.  "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.

-------------------------------------------------------
 Here are some rules for you women . . .

 1. Learn how the toilet seat Works: if it's up put it down.

 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

 3. Don't make us guess.

 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an 
    answer you don't want to hear.

 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.  Live with it.

 6. Crying is blackmail.  Use it if you must, but don't 
        expect us to like it. (but you?ll probably get what you want)

 7. Dogs are better than ANY cats.  Period.

 8. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work. 

 9. Sunday = Sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing 
    of the tides.  Let it be.

 10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

 11. You have enough clothes. 

 12. You have too many shoes. 

 13. No, he doesn't know what day it is.  He never will.  
        Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 

 14. Share the bathroom.

 15. Share the closet.

 16. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

 17. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a Doctor.

 18. Nothing says "I love you" like a quickie in the morning.

                    DON'T DRINK and DRIVE
                   -------------------------

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunken drivers
a policeman watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out
the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the
door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.


One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off.

Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave.
The policeman thought "Now I have my chance, I'm gonna get him.

He ran over to the car, pulled the driver out of the car
and forced him to take a Breathalyzer test to determine the level of
alcohol

When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level,
the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.

"Easy," said the man, as he smiled from ear to ear.
"Tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy"


                 HANGING OUT IN THE BAR CAN BE DANGEROUS
                            - Submitted by Michael Seals
                 ----------------------------------------

A Texan, a Californian, and a Seattleite walk into a bar.
The Texan grabs a bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top,takes 
a good swig, and throws the bottle into the air.  He then pulls 
out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying 
Tequila all over everything.

The other patrons at the bar shout "Hey why'd you waste that?!" 
The Texan says, "Hell, it's just Tequila, where I come from, 
we got lotsa Tequila."

The Californian, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and 
opens a bottle of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the 
glass, and sips it, then throws the bottle in the air, and 
shoots it with a little silver pistol.  The patrons again 
express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste of 
a bottle of wine.The Californian says, "Napa Valley, we got 
lots of great wine down there."

The Seattlite borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off 
a bottle of Red Hook and downs the whole bottle.  He throws 
the empty bottle into the air, shoots the Californian and 
simultaneously catches the falling bottle. 
Now the people are screaming, "Why'd you do that???!!!!" 

The Seattlite replies, "Well where I come from, we've got lots of 
Californians, but I'll be fined unles I recycle this bottle."



                           RETIREMENT
                               - Submitted by Victor Lewis
                       ----------------------------------------
John worked hard his whole life, and a few years before
he was ready to retire, he decided to buy some acreage on
the edge of the rain forest, since he loved animals and nature.
He built a big beautiful home with a balcony all around
on the second floor to give him the beautiful view and
serenity that he has been seeking for so long.

He thought to himself, "When I retire, this is where I will
live out my last days, with no one around, no phones, TV or
newspapers, only my computer so I can e-mail my friends back
home."The day finally came around and he retired. He moved
out to his land next to the rain forest. One day he was
relaxing out on the balcony, when he looked up and saw this
giant Ape sitting up in a tree watching him.

He was frustrated and thought to himself  "I moved out here
so no one could bother me, and now I have this Ape watching
my every move. He e-mailed the animal control center and wrote
"There is this big ape up in a tree staring at me and watching
my every move.  Can you come and do something about it?"
The control officer e-mailed him back "It will take me two
days to get there, but I will come as fast as I can".
A couple of days passed and suddenly appeared a  four wheel
drive vehicle coming up to his home.

John enthusiastically went out to meet  the officer
from animal control. The officer jumped out and starts
unloading. First an immense coil of rope,
then a fierce looking dog and finally a shot gun.

He handed the shot gun to the man and said "I will climb
that tree and shake the ape out, and when he hits the ground,
this police attack dog, who was raised from a puppy by commandos,
is trained to get him by the groin and hang on while I tie up the ape.

John, concerned that they may kill the ape asked
"What is the shot gun for". The animal control officer replied
"If while shaking the tree, I fall out before
the ape, shoot the dog."

+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===+++===


  "IT COULD BE WORSE!" --  ( The following is taken from a Florida
newspaper )


A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and
somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house. 

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next
to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and
summoned an ambulance. 

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her
husband.  After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing
that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper
towels,blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. 

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. 
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage
done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom,sat
on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he
flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. 

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming.  She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the
floor.  His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the
buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the
phone and called for an ambulance. 

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
street.  The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the
street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how
the husband had burned himself in such a way. She told them ....and the
paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and
dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining 35 steps and broke his
ankle. 





		an engineer
		-----------

an engineer is said to be a man who knows a great deal about very little
and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less until finally he
knows practically everything about nothing.


Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100
men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking
nonsense and couldn't drive.

COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- Danish researchers say
they've found that men, on average, have about 4
billion more brain cells than women. But they
haven't figured out what men do with them.
Bente Pakkenberg, a Copenhagen Municipal Hospital
neurologist who led the research project, told
Danish radio Monday that the conclusions came from
an examination of the brains in 94 cadavers of
people aged 20 to 90.
The average number of brain cells in males was 23
billion, while the female average was about 19
billion, she said.
Asked what the males might be doing with the
surplus, Pakkenberg said: "Right now it's a mystery."
"The knowledge we already have shows men are not
smarter than women," she said.




			THE RABBIT


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"



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                  MAN AND WOMAN
                        - Submitted by E.Smith
                -----------------------------
A man is a person who, if a woman says,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
and he lets her and she get mad, says,
"Now what are you mad about?".

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
 and he lets her and she get mad, and he says,
"Now what are mad about?" says
"If you don't know why I;m mad at you