THINGS TO THINK ABOUT - Submitted by Mike Whalan --------------------------------- 1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. 4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? 7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. 8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once. 9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. 11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway. 13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. 14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know. 15) Do unto others, then run..................... ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken." "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus." "Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT!" "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips." "Friends don't let friends drive Naked." "Wink, I'll do the rest!" "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot." "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "I souport publik edekasion" "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock." "2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2." "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles." "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. " TRUISIMS - submitted by Paula (Godiva) ----------------------------------- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. SOME MORE REALLY FUNNY QUOTES - Submitted by Paul Paul Bohannon of MyPoints -------------------------------------------------------------------- "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger "I voted for the Republicans because I didn't like the way the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." - Jack Mayberry "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " - Jerry Seinfeld wisdom "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." --Profesoor W. The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. What I tell you three times is true. The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Robert Heinlein Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman There's no future in time travel THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. Save energy: be apathetic. Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. "A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) ... Wisdom ;-) Collected/Stolen from peoples sigs, a page in finland, and lots of other places. Share and Enjoy ! A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with mi- crometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on in- struments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious relia- bility and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of an- noying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine Solaris 2.1: It's slow, needs 200M of disk space and comes without a C compiler, which makes it remarkably close to MS- Windows. -- oleg@gd.cs.csufresno.edu Real programmers add features to programs by removing code. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a lightside, and a dark side and It holds the universe together. Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of Unix, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not con- sider this an achievement. -- MIT AI Lab job ad, Comm. of the ACM, v35/n6, June 1992, pp. 160 Well you know, C isn't that hard, void (*(*f[])())() for in- stance defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void... I think. He who fights and runs away, lives to nuke the site from orbit. Avoid bus errors... Take the train! -- Nick Triantos Bus error, passengers dumped. Not in service. -- Jim Browne No-smoking section in a restaurant is like a no-peeing section in a pool. We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. OS/2 is irrelevant. Openess is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. -- prs@turing.org Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the si- tuation. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Werner von Braun Good judgement is the result of experience. Experience is the result of bad judgement. Experience is what allows us to recognize a mistake the second time we make it. I don't mind you making mistakes, as long as you make new ones. If God had meant for us to use computers, he would have given us only two fingers to count with. The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson Working computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. Baldric, you wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself blue and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing `cunning plans are here again!'" --E. Blackadder III The law of inanimate reproduction: If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one. God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die. --Calvin & Hobbes Rats and roaches live by competition under the laws of supply and demand; it is the privilege of human beings to live under the laws of justice and mercy. -- Wendell Berry You really should change your position on abortion, you know. -- Katharine Hepburn to George Bush, November 1990 The Pledge of Allegiance says '..with liberty and justice for all'. What part of 'all' don't you understand? --Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) Colorado nonpracticing ambisexual - i don't give a fuck either way Borg Spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3 - bjelli@cosy.sbg.ac.at last modified: Sun, Mar 20 1994 15:32 MET Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. -- nobody@nowhere "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." --Profesoor W. The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. What I tell you three times is true. The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Robert Heinlein Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman There's no future in time travel THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. Save energy: be apathetic. Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. "A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)