TATOOS (PG-13)    
                        - Submitted Calvin Roche
                 ------------------------------------  
A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball 
player, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair. 

They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel room.  
He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on his
right arm  was a tatoo which said, "Reebok". 

She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it. 

Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the 
tattoo and  Reebok pays me for advertisement." 

A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. 

He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.  

Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to
the corner of the room.

Rodman said, "What's wrong?"

The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis
which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a 
guy who has AIDS!" 

He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going 
to say "ADIDAS".


                   ADVENTUROUS DINING                  
                          - Submitted by Lokum Rao
                  ----------------------------------  

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great 
"running of the Bulls" festival.

After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a 
restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special 
and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large 
meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who
lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he
decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite
delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again
the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out
the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much
bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."


                        THE ARTIST
                          - Submitted by Neal Wiggin
                     --------------------------------

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time.
Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing 
perfection with every stroke of his paint brush.
As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the 
female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop 
effort and decided to take it easy for the day.  Since, Karen, his 
model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass 
of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in 
silence. 

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. 
Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car 
arriving outside.  He jumped up and said,

"OH NO It's my wife!  Quick, take off your clothes!"
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, 
he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for 
Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic 
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
			Armstrong, the child that walk on the moon

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic 
remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a 
casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon 
checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space 
programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good 
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A 
few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering 
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old 
question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer 
the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend 
in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of 
his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As 
he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky 
shouting at Mr.Gorsky. 

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next 
door walks on the moon!"

                     THE AGE OF CONSENT
                    =====================

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot 
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside 
with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's 
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat 
calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked 
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. 

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading 
thismagazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then 
asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's 
knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm 
nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer. 

The young man looked at his watch and said, 

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." 



			Mc Gyver
			--------
An virginal young lady (Let's call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl
friend in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child.
During the course of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that
while she too would like to have a baby, she didn't exactly know how to
proceed.  The young mother is very helpful, and fills out an itemized
list on the how-tos of becoming pregnant:

  1.  Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find

  2.  Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)

  3.  etc...

Madonna scrupulously follows her friend's instructions, and sure
enough, finds herself guided into the men's room at the nightclub.  Her
only problem is that the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a
rubber to consummate the act, and she being inexperienced is unaware of
this obstacle.  Once consummated he takes off the rubber and flushes it
down the toilet.

Madonna:  Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

Young man:  (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if
he gets out of this one, we'd better call him McGyver...


                       THE CAMEL     
                       - Submitted by Madonna Wallace
                 --------------------------------------
 A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred 
to a remote desert outpost.  On his orientation tour he noticed a 
very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's 
barracks. 

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to 
the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way 
from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges,  
so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel.

"The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, 
then I guess it's all right with me.

"After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely 
months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst 
any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL 
INTO MY TENT!

"The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other 
men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters.  Within a 
few minutes, he Captain emerged from his tent,  fastening his 
trousers, almost beaming with pride.  ?So, Sergeant, is that how 
the enlisted men do it?," he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it 
to ride into town."

                      THEY TAUGHT THIS AT UNIVERSITY
                           - Submitted by Paula
                     ================================
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first
man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing 
his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels 
before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: 
I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean.

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: I graduated from the
University of California and they taught us to be environmentally
conscious.

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door 
had a smirk on his face and said: I don't know about you guys, 
but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands.
			masked party
			------------

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party!   
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to 
the party alone.   He protested, ever the devoted husband, but 
she insisted:   she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, 
there was no need of his good time being spoiled.   So he took 
his costume and away he went.

The wife slept soundly for an hour and awakened without pain.   
As it was still early, she decided to go to the party.   
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought 
she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when 
she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting 
around on the dance floor dancing with every woman he could, 
and touching a little bit here and sneaking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, since she was a rather seductive woman, 
he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new 
beauty that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally; he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a lot of fun.   Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away.   Back at home she hid the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of 
a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.   You know I never 
have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?"   she asked coyly.

"I'll tell you what," he replied, "I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys.  
You know they hate those kind of things, and you weren't around, 
so we all went into the den and played poker the whole night.  

But I'll tell you something else: the guy I loaned my costume 
to had a HELL of a good time!"

                        PRETENDING TO BE MARRIED
                              - Submitted by Marita Pergler
                      -------------------------------------

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a
small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. 

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but
only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on 
the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the
nun said "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the
blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to
drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, 

"Father, I'm still very cold."  He unzipped the bag,  got up again, put another 
blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're 
out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened.  
Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"


                     SUNBATHING
                        - Submitted by Hushidar K. Gandhi
                   ------------------------------------------

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all 
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. 

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, 
being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up 
there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the 
stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a 
towel over her rear.	

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. 

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we 
would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as 
you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
 
"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. 
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."



			the postman
			-----------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.  At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand and
led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the
most passionate love he had ever experienced.  When he had had enough
they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*** him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea."


                  THE DOUBLE ROOM
                      - Submitted by Marita Pergler
               -----------------------------------------------

By the time John pulled into the little town, every 
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." 
he pleaded to the last hotel manager,  "Or just a bed--I don't 
really care where. I’m completely exhausted”

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted 
the manager, "and I’m sure he would be glad to split the 
cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that 
people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. 
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed 
and bushy-tailed.  The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other 
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,"
John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, 
said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night 
watching me."

                   THE GAME SHOW
                        - Submitted by J. McDaniel
                -----------------------------
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you 
have to answer questions to win the cash prize.  Lady luck had smiled 
in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed towin the game but, unfortunately, time had run out 
before the show's host could ask her the big question.   

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. 
"I've just gotta win tomorrow.  I wish I knew what the answers are. 
You know I'm not going  to sleep at all tonight.  I will probably 
look like garbage tomorrow.   

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all 
be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the 
car keys and started heading out the door.  "Where are you going?"  
Jane asked.  "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."  
He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.  After an 
agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and 
wicked grin.  "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"   

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.   "OK. The question is 'What are 
the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 
'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " 

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling 
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. 
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, 
who was asking her the quiz show question.  "The head, the heart, 
and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. 
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was 
brushing her teeth.  Once again, Jane replied correctly.   

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. 
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the 
butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through 
her veins.  The cameras began running and the host, after reminding 
the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the 
big question.   "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the 
male anatomy?  You have 10 seconds."   "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said 
nervously.   "Very good. “ Six seconds."  "Eh, uh, the heart?"   
"Very good!  Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!  
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the 
tip of my tongue this morning..."  

"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"  



                  THE KILTED SCOTSMAN
                        - Submitted by Jane K.
                -----------------------------

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road,
he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a -tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman -
snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always -wondered what a 
Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what
nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! 
He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied
it -around what nature had provided the Scotsman,  and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked 
around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw 
where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, 
the Scotsman said...

"I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"


                         THE DENTIST
                              - Submitted by Harsh Javeri
                      -------------------------------------

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really
well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'

Flabergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing
how did you figure that out ?'

The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' 

One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things 
became more passionate.  After they were done, the girl said: 
'You must be a GREAT dentist!' 

The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a 
great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'


                            THE DATE
                         - Submitted by PATRICIA McCULLOUGH
                      ---------------------------------------
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance
from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
hooker and I charge $20 for sex."  The boy reluctantly paid her,
and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat
looking out the window.  "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked
the girl.

 "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm
actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."



                        THE MARATHONER
                       -----------------
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband
was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she
heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the
boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window
my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump
out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both
of us!" So the boyfrind grabs his clothes and and jumps out the
window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a
"running Marathon" so he started running along beside the
others only he was still in the nude, carrying  his clothes
on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free
having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always
run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nuddy answered breathessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining."

                 HOW AGE CHANGES THINGS
                       - Submitted by Shelicious
                 ---------------------------------

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they 
happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father 
why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack?  

That's for when you're in high school.  You
have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father
replied, well that's for when you're in college. 

You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for
Sunday morning.

Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.  

The father replies, well that's for when you're married. 

You have one for January, one for February, one
for March......


                             THE PIRATE
                                  - Submitted by Gail Samson
                          ----------------------------------------
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and
his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first
mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party.  Although some casualties occurred among the
crew, the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's
events  when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain
can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red
shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue
to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two
pirate vessels sending boarding parties.  The crew cowered
in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his
crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time,
more casualties occurred.

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that
there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding
parties on their way.  The men became silent and looked to
the captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"



-----------------------------------------------------------------
                      THE NEWLYWEDS
                      --------------
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote
log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on
Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned
about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if everything was fine.  He
knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside
answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not
throwing the peelings out the window ... they're
choking my ducks!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to
check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the  madame,
"Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it  isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The  house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such  unfair dealings, the man
stomped off down the street in search of a  more equitable,
hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until  finally he reached a brothel
where the madame responded, "Why yes  sir, this IS a union
house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100,
what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said.
He looked around the room  and pointed to a stunningly
attractive blonde.  "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then,  gesturing to an
obese  fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel  here has
seniority."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
                      A FEW TOO MANY
                      --------------
A fellow decided to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stayed until the bar closed at 2am, at which time he was
extremely drunk.  When he entered his house, he didn't want to wake
anyone, so he took off his shoes and slowly tip-toed up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he fell over backwards and landed flat
on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple
of empty pint bottles in his back pocket, which broke when he fell
and proceeded to do a nice job of cutting up his behind.
He was so drun, however, that he didn't even know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,
so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough,
his behind was cut up something terrible.  Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances,
and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night, " she said.
"Where'd you go?"

"I worked late, "he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied.
"You got plastered last night.  Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well", she replied with a slight giggle in her voice,
"My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a
bunch of band aids (plasters) stuck to the mirror."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
             WHAT GETS BIGGER AND BIGGER

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please
name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate
conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define
the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins,
I don't think that is a proper question to ask me.
I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and
asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the
eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins.  "And now, Miss Smythe, I have
three things to say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.

"Two, you have a dirty mind.

"And three, you will some day be faced with a
 dreadful disappointment."

-------------------------

                     THE MULE
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer
had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law,
hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly.

 At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near
the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something
to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however,
he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked
the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake
 my head and say, 'Can't.  It's all booked up for a year.'



                            THE NEW MECHANIC
                         -----------------------
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less
responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some
serious thought he decided that being an engine mechanic,
something he had enjoyed up to the time he entered college,
would be a good profession.

However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered
with an engine and he knew that to work on any of the newest
engines and be able to compete with the younger work force,
he would have to go to school. So he enrolled in a technical
institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics and pretty
much aced the course.

The final exam however, required each student to completely
strip and reassemble a complete engine. So it was with some
trepidation he took on the
task.

At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors
for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When the grades
were handed out he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.

Rather confused,  he asked his instructor how it was possible
to have a grade like this. The instructor replied that it really
quite simple. He gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the
engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the engine and an
additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.


                     MACHINES THAT CAN DO ANYTHING

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting,
he called down to the desk clerk and asked
if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,
"but down the hall is a special machine
that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening,
at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head
and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best
haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read,
"Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read,
"This Machine Provides What Men
Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents,"
The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody
around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants
and stuck his "thing" into the opening -  with great
anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing,
the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands,
the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.


		HAPPY BIRTHDAY
		--------------


I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I 
thought,"I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I 
showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would 
greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."

All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the 
newspaper as usual.  She didn't say a word.  So I got myself a cup of coffee 
and thought, "Oh well, she forgot.  The kids will be down in a few minutes, 
they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.  Finally the kids came 
running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast!  I'm late! 
Where is my coat?  I'm going to miss my bus!"  Feeling more depressed than 
ever, I left for the office.

When I walked in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful. 
"Happy Birthday, boss,"  She then asked if she could get me some coffee. 
 Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, 
"Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it 
would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."

So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't 
we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the 
usual place?"  So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way 
inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back 
to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by
my place, and I will fix you another martini?"  It sounded like a good idea, 
since we didn't have much to do at the office.  So we went to her apartment, 
and she fixed some martinis.

After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into 
something more comfortable," and she left the room.  In a few minutes, she 
opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following 
her were my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my 
socks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
                           PUPPY LOVE
A man and his son were walking through a field,
and saw two dogs mating.

The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

The Father replid, "Well, son, they're
making a puppy."

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty,
so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.

Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked
unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making
love in their usual missionary position.

Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his
impressionanle little boy,
"Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

The little boy replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad,
I'd rather have a puppy!"

                      THE SPERM COUNT
                      ----------------

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring me back a  sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

 The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

 "Well, doc, it's like this:  First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

  Then I tried with- my  left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.  She - tried  with her right hand, with
nothing.

 Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the
 teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and  still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and- she tried
 with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbor?"

 the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we
 couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

                  SAURKRAUT
                  ----------------------------

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse,
and shortly after this started, she announced that she had
become pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large
amount of money and  asked her to go out of the country,
to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a
post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to
Germany.  Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife
called him at his office.

"Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she
explained.  "I don't understand what it means!"

"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post
card which said:

"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT;  TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"



			bartender and the guy

Guy goes into a bar. 

Bartender says "what'll ya have, fella?" 

Guy says: "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda." 

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to the guy, who says
"th-th-th-th-th-thanks." 

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to the guy, looks left & right,
and whispers "Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know,
I used to stutter a whole lot. But I found the cure. You interested?" 

"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure!" says the Guy. 

Barkeep looks again, left & right. "My wife heard about this cure: so she
performed all *kinds* of magical, passionate, kinky sex with me.  And,
By-Golly, I was cured right then and there!" 

Guy thanks the bartender, tips him generously, and leaves. 

A week later the same guy comes back into the bar. "What'll it be tonight,
Friend?" asks the barkeep. 

Guy: "Yes, my good man, would you please mix for me one of your stupendous
Scotch and Sodas, please?" 

Barkeep: "Sure thing, Friend, and your speech is incredible! Glad to see
you got rid of your stuttering!" 

Guy: "Thank you, kind sir. And may I say that you have a lovely house."


                       MACHINERY AT ITS BEST
                            - Submitted by J. Carroll
                     ---------------------------------

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces
various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples.  The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,"
explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking
a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where
condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss.  Hiss.  Hiss.  Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand
what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so
often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,"
says the guide.  "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


		the pastor and the housekeeper

NOTE: In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
rectory.
That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
 ------------------

      One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have
dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how
shapely and lovely the housekeeper was.  Down deep in his heart he
wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. 
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest
that everything was purely professional... that she was the housekeeper
and cook and that was that.

     About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said,
"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been
able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took
it, do you?"  The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it very much, but I'll
write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote:

      "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm
not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

     The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as
follows:

"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the
housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the
housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed
you would find the gravy ladle."


                    FINAL CONFESSIONS
                      - Submitted by CT LADY
                  -----------------------------

A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint,
dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she
cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth,
before he dies.

Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything ... the full truth.

"Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job
and a week later you got it back with a big raise?"

He slowly nods understandingly.

Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the IRS was going to
 do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit
and gave us a big refund instead?"

He again weakly nods in understanding.

Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that
you cheated on me."

Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just
one more time."

"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me."

"Ok ... but only because you insist, dear," she stammers.
"Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf
club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?"

"Oh yes ... I remember," winced the dying old man. SUDDENLY,
he shot up in his bed and exclaimed, "DAMN ... and I
won by 45 votes!!"